*****
All his life, a most proper and dignified English Barrister widower, with a considerable income, had dreamed of playing Sandringham (one of Great Britain's truly exclusive golf courses). One day he made up his mind to chance it while he was traveling in the area.
Although he was aware that the club was very exclusive, he decided that he would ask the man behind the desk if he might play the famous course.
The club's secretary inquired, "Member ?" "No, sir."
"Guest of a member?" "No, sir."
"Sorry," the secretary said.
As he turned to leave, the lawyer spotted a slightly familiar figure seated in the lounge reading the London Times. It was Lord Willoughby Parham.
The lawyer approached Lord Parham and, bowing low, said, "I beg your pardon, your Lordship, but my name is Higginbotham of the London Solicitor -- Higginbotham and Barclay. I should like to ask your Lordship's indulgence. Might I play this beautiful course as your guest?"
His Lordship gave Higginbotham a long look, put down his paper and his pipe and asked:
"Church?" "Church of England, sir, as was my late wife."
"Education?" the elderly gentleman asked. "Eton, sir, and Oxford with a Blue and Honors.
"Sport?" "Rugby, sir, spot of tennis and number four on the crew that beat Cambridge."
"Service?" "Brigadier, sir, Coldstream Guards, Victoria Cross and Knights of the Garter."
"Campaigns?" "Dunkirk, El Alemain and Normandy, sir."
"Languages?" "Private tutor in French, fluent in German and a bit of Greek."
His Lordship considered briefly, then nodded to the club secretary and said, "Nine Holes."
*****
A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs.
The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?"
"Somersaults," says the man.
"Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he do?"
"Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass."
*****
There is a guy who is playing golf with a priest. While they are on the 10th green the guy misses a three foot putt and says, "God dammit, I missed." The priest tells him not to use vulgar language on the golf course. Then on the next hole the guy misses a two foot putt and says again, "God dammit, I missed." The priest tells him that if he continues to use vulgar language on the golf course, he will have God strike him down with lightning and kill him.
Then on the next hole he misses a one foot putt and says, "God dammit, I missed." All of a sudden a tremendous bolt of lightning comes down and kills the priest! Immediately after, a voice comes out of the clouds and says, "God dammit, I missed."
*****
A golfer tried three straight times to hit a golf ball over the inlet of water between him and the green. But each time the ball splashes into the drink. In utter frustration the golfer said, "Caddie, take my clubs on in, I'm going to jump into the water and drown myself."
The caddie replied, "I doubt that, sir. You couldn't keep your head down long enough to drown!"
*****
A man dies and approaches the pearly gates where he encounters St. Peter. "Ah", says St. Peter, "weīve been expecting you. Iīd like to let you walk through the pearly gates here, and looking through my book, I notice youīve lived a good life....BUT....I see that one time, ONE TIME, you got a little angry and said the "F" word, didnīt you?"
"Yes", says the man, "but it was only one time."
St. Peter said, "Well, Iīve been known to make an exception when there are extenuating circumstances."
So the man says, "Well, I said the "F" word when I was playing golf!"
St. Peter said, "Ohhhh, so youīre a golfer, are you? Well that DOES explain a lot. Go ahead and tell me why you said the "F" word."
The man began to explain, "Well, I was playing in a tournament, and I had a one stroke lead. As I started into my backswing for my drive on the last hole, just at the peak of my swing, I realized that I had chosen the wrong club! I had the five iron instead of the four iron..."
St. Peter said, "Ah, and THATīS when you said the "F" word?"
The man replied, "Well, no, as it turned out I hit the five iron shot of my life! The ball was headed straight up the fairway, when all of a sudden, a passing bird flew right into the ballīs path..."
So St. Peter said, "You said the "F" word then, didnīt you?"
"Well, no," the man continued, "just as the bird got to the ball, it started to hook, and the bird actually helped direct the ball towards the green, where it landed and started to roll towards the cup! It was rolling real well, when all of a sudden, a squirrel came onto the green and came towards my ball..."
A very agitated St. Peter asked, "The "F" word, you said it then, yes?"
The man replied, "Well, the squirrel actually pushed the ball towards the hole, where it stopped rolling just about 2 inches from the cup.."
To which St. Peter screamed, "YOU DIDNīT MISS THE F---ING PUTT, DID YOU??"
Many regards, Jacob Dahl, Denmark
*****
I was recently playing a round of golf with a nice young fellow. On the first hole, which was a long par four with water to the right and a deep ravine to the left, the young man took out a brand new sleeve of balls, teed one up and immediately hit it into the water on the right. Undaunted, he pulled another ball from the sleeve and hit that one into the ravine, as well. Then he took the last ball from the sleeve and hit it, too, into the water.
He then reached into his bag and pulled out another brand new sleeve of balls. "Why don't you hit an old ball?" I asked.
He responded, "I've never had an old ball."
Contributed by, Anonymous
*****
A couple had a whirlwind, 30 day romance and even though they don't know too much about each other, they decide to get married. After a couple weeks, the husband says, "Honey, I have something I have to tell you. I'm a golf fanatic and I must play every day."
"I also need to tell you something," she replies. "I'm a hooker, and I need to do it every day."
"That's OK," he said, "we'll just play dog leg lefts."
Contibuted by, Anonymous
*****
A priest is playing a round of golf at the local public course when he arrives at the 15th tee. This hole is a 160 yard par three with a lake in the front of the green. It is also the padre's nemesis, no matter how well or how poorly he is playing.
Upon arriving at the tee, the priest tees up his ball, gets ready to hit and, at the last minute, looks toward the heavens and says, "God, I have been a good and decent man. Please, just this once, let me hit a shot which will carry the lake and get onto the green."
As he is about to swing, a loud, deep voice booms from the heavens and says, "Use a new ball, they go farther." The preacher steps back, thinks about the heavenly advice and goes to his bag and gets a brand new ball. He takes his stance and once again the heavenly voice booms, "Take a practice swing first." The preacher is now awestruck by the heavenly advice, so he steps back from the ball and takes a practice swing.
He takes his stance and gets ready to hit and the heavenly voice booms, "Use the old ball."
Contributed by, Anonymous
*****
This is a true story. After hacking my way around a course with a professional golfer, I asked him what the problem was with my game. He answered cooly and casually, "It's simple, you're standing too close to your ball............after you hit it"!
Contributed by Anthony Beswick
*****
A grandfather and grandson were playing golf together. On a severely dog-legged par 4, the
grandfather told the grandson, "When I was your age, I'd aim right over those trees and hit the green every time."
The grandson thought about that comment and decided to give it a try. He hit a perfect drive, but it landed right in the middle of the 50 ft trees.
The grandson looked sadly at the grandfather who said, "Of course when I was your age, those trees were 8 feet tall."
Contributed by Greg Albert, Tulsa, Ok
*****
One morning, a gentleman caused a horrible slice off the first tee. He threw his driver back into the bag and proceeded toward the wooded area where he thought his shot had entered. Shortly after entering the woods, he noticed he was coming upon the fence surrounding the golf course.
On the other side of the fence was a road with numerous police, fire and ambulances attending what looked like an over turned school bus. The golfer stopped at the fence, called over a bystander and inquired, "What in heaven's name happened here?"
The answer brought chills up the golfers back as he was told that it looked as though a small round object had crashed through the drivers window; striking the driver in the forehead and causing instant death. Unfortunately, that was not the worst! Several students riding on the bus had been critically injured with multiple fractures and two small children had been found thrown from the bus and were pronounced dead at the scene.
The golfer was in a state of shock, and without saying a word, quickly and quietly turned and headed back for the club house before anyone suspected him of this horrible tragedy. Upon arriving at the club house, he knew he could not hold this secret inside and looked for an official of the club.
No one seemed to be around except the club pro in the pro shop. Without hesitation, the golfer threw open the door to the pro shop, ran in and stated, "I sliced off of number 1 and the ball went through a school bus window and it killed the driver, critically injured several students and caused the death of two young students! What in heaven's name do I do now?" To which the pro replied, "You might try either closing the club face a bit or moving your back leg in the direction you want the ball to travel!"
Contributed by Mac
*****
Two pastors, one Catholic and one Protestant, and a Jewish rabbi were part of a threesome one day on the course. The group ahead of them were playing slow, terrible golf and weren't gesturing for a play-through. After several holes of this agonizingly slow golf the three clerics began to get very impatient, each muttering his own curses upon the group ahead of them.
Soon the Marshall came about, and was hailed down by the holy men who shouted, "We're sick of being held-up by these yahoos ahead of us who won't allow us to play through!" The Marshall stated, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but those men are both deaf and blind."
The Protestant cried, "Oh, Jesus, forgive me for my bad thoughts and cursing upon those poor souls." The Catholic cried, "Oh forgive me, Mary, for my bad thoughts and cursing upon those poor souls." The rabbi shouted, "So why can't they play at night!?"
Contributed by, Jay E. Schweitzer
*****
The duffer decided that it was about time for a lesson to "tune up" his game. He told the pro that he wanted to work on swing mechanics, so the pro asked him to hit a few balls with his 9-iron so he could watch his swing. He addressed the ball, double checked his stance and grip, executed his take-away and backswing, his downswing and follow through. But, he toed the ball, and sliced it way off into the nearest fairway. He looked back at the pro for advice, who told him "Your problem is obvious Sir -- it's LOFT".
The golfer scratched his head, went to his bag and pulled out his driver. He repeated his routine, and topped the ball, sending it dribbling 30 yards out on the practice range. He looked at the pro for a suggestion, who advised him "Your problem is still LOFT". The frustrated student then pulled out a 5-iron, took his swing and struck an ugly duck hook. The pro again told him "I'm sorry, but your problem is
still LOFT".
The golfer struggled to maintain his cool, and asked the pro, "I don't understand. I hit my first shot with my 9-iron, and you said my problem was loft. Then I took my least lofted club, hit it again, and you
said my problem was still loft. Then I grabbed a middle iron, and you told me once again that my problem was loft. What exactly do mean by LOFT?"
The pro looked at him and explained, "Lack Of F___ing Talent!".
Harmon Heidt, Denver, Colorado
*****
A man got a phone call from his wife at work one day and she asked him to stop at the store and pick up some groceries. Reminding her that this was his golf league night he said he would be happy to go to the store AFTER playing his round of golf.
After playing golf, he stopped at the store and picked up 2 bags full of groceries. He then proceeded to walk out of the grocery store to his Cadillac. Upon reaching his Cadillac he found it difficult to reach into his pocket to pull his keys out to open his trunk because his arms were full with two bags of groceries.
He saw a beautiful women walking nearby and he asked her, "Could you please do me a favor?" "Sure," she replied. He went on to say, "I can't reach into my pocket and get my Cadillac keys out to open my trunk and put my groceries away." "Do you think you could reach into my pocket and pull my Cadillac keys out?" "No problem," she replied.
When she pulled the keys out, two golf tees also were pulled out as well and fell to the ground. She bent over and picked them up. Looking at the golf tees in the palm of her hand, somewhat quizzically she asked the man, "Gee, what are these for?" He replied, "Oh, those are to keep my balls in the air while I'm driving." To which she commented, "Boy, those Cadillac people think of everything."
Contributed by Joe Simo
*****
A man was playing golf one day and he hit his ball deep into the rough. As he was searching for his ball he happened to find a bottle laying in the grass and when he picked it up, a great genie appeared.
"This is terrific," the man said. "Does this mean that I get three wishes granted?" he inquired. "Yes," replied the genie, "But be careful, for whatever you wish, your wife will get ten times greater."
So, the man thought and he finally said, "Make me the best golfer at the club." The genie told him, "You will be the best male golfer at the club, but your wife will be ten times better." "Okay," he said, "Give me a million dollars." The genie replied, "It is granted, but your wife now has ten million dollars."
The genie said, "You have only one wish left, so use it wisely." And the man replied, "Give me a slight heart attack."
Contributed by Harry the Barber, Seattle Wa.
*****
A pretty terrible golfer was playing a round of golf for which he had hired a caddie. The round proved to be somewhat tortuous for the caddie to watch and he was getting a bit exasperated by the poor play of his employer.
At one point the ball lay about 180 yards from the green and the as the golfer sized up his situation, he asked his caddie, "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?" And the caddie replied, "Eventually."
Contributed by a caddie at Lahinch Golf Club in Ireland
Make sure to have the funniest golf jokes to tell your friends! Everyone loves the guest who has hilarious jokes ready at all times. And because there are tons of funny golf jokes there will never be a shortage of material. So find the best free jokes and be the funny guy of your next social occassion!