*****
FIRST WIFE'S LAMENT
One evening a man and wife were lying in bed. He was reading and she was watching television and brooding.
"Darling," she started.
"Um," he replied.
"If I died would you get married again?" she continued.
Knowing this was a trick question, he thought for a moment before answering. "I don't see why not. Our marriage has been a happy one and you'd want me to be happy again, wouldn't you?" he countered laying down his book and taking her hand.
"Yes, I suppose," she answered.
They continued in silence for a while; his reading and her watching television and continuing to brood.
"Darling," she started again.
"Um," he replied.
"If you got married again, would you let your new wife wear my dresses?"
He put his book down and once again took her hand. Again realizing this was a loaded question with no correct answer, he thought for a moment and answered. "I guess I would. After all, it would be a shame just to throw away those nice clothes of yours."
They lapsed back into silence; his reading and her watching television and brooding even more.
"Darling," she once again started.
"Um," he replied.
"Would you let her wear my shoes?"
This time without putting his book aside, he said, "Yes, and for the same reason. It would be a shame to throw away all your expensive shoes."
They lapsed back into silence; his reading and her watching television and brooding herself into a darker mood.
"Darling," she said, renewing the inquisition.
"Um," he replied.
"Would you let her use my new Ping golf clubs?"
With no hesitation, he answered, "Of course not, she's left-handed."
Contributed by Jerry J. Smith, Seattle, WA
*****
GOLFER'S HEAVEN
There was a guy who was an avid golfer. He played golf every chance he got; in the rain, in the cold, he even used black balls to play when there was snow on the ground. His wife joked, half in jest, that she was a golf widow and she really wouldn't miss her husband all that much if he died before her, for he was never around anyhow. He spent all his spare money on golf items and gadgets; trick exploding balls, tees with no indentation on the top so the golf ball would roll off it, towels with witty golf sayings on them and all kinds of golf hats.
One night he was in bed asleep after having played 36-holes of golf that day. He was tired but he dreamed of replaying the whole round. Suddenly his dream was interrupted by the appearance of an angel. It was an angel like he had seen in Bible drawings and other art work depicting angels. He was instantly awake.
The angel, with a full set of wings and wearing a long flowing white robe, stood at the foot of his bed. "John," the angel said, for the man's name was John.
"Yes, what is it? You are an angel, aren't you?" John asked.
"Of course I'm an angel. You don't think I'd normally walk around in this silly costume, do you? In fact, I'm your guardian angel," the angel replied.
"Does that mean I get three wishes?" John asked.
"No, I'm not that kind of guardian angel," the heavenly being answered. "As you know, John, you're getting on in years and you don't have as much time left on earth as you once did. Although I can't grant wishes for you, I can answer questions you might have about the hereafter. You do believe in the hereafter, don't you, John?"
"Oh yes and I've been good, with maybe the possible exception of having played too much golf in my lifetime," John replied.
"Playing golf is like going fishing," replied the angel. "There is no such thing as playing too much golf or going fishing too often. Do you have any questions about heaven?"
"As a matter of fact, I do," answered John. "I've often wondered if there are any golf courses in heaven. Can you answer that question for me?"
"Gee, John, no one has ever asked me that question before. I'll have to go back and check on it. Go back to sleep and I'll be back in about 20 minutes." With that, the angel disappeared. John rubbed his eyes and opened them again. The angel was gone and John wondered if he had just had a weird dream. He rolled over on his side and was soon snoring softly again.
True to his word, the angel reappeared within 20 minutes. "John," the angel called.
John woke up to see the angel again standing at the foot of his bed. "Oh, you're back."
"Yes, John, I'm back and I have the answer to your question. But before I tell you, I have to advise that the answer is in two parts, good news and bad news. Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?"
"Oh dear, I suppose give me the good news first," responded John.
"Okay, the good news is there are golf courses in heaven. All the courses have been designed by Bobby Jones, Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus. There are no greens fees and electric carts are provided at no charge. You have the choice of any brand of clubs you desire. Each course has 36-holes. The greens are always freshly mowed, the sand traps freshly raked, the roughs aren't too high and you never lose a ball in the water for the balls float. When you hit a ball into the woods they always ricochet back into the middle of the fairway. And on every par three hole you will score a hole-in-one. Yes, you will have a wonderful time playing golf in heaven."
"Oh, that sounds wonderful. With all that good news what could the bad news possibly be?" John wondered aloud.
"The bad news is you have a nine o'clock tee time tomorrow morning."
Contributed by Jerry J. Smith, Seattle, WA
*****
God and the devil decided to play a round of golf one day, just for the fun of it. The devil drew honors on the first hole and hit a perfect drive 280 yards that split the fairway. God teed up and hit an ugly duck hook that headed straight out of bounds into the woods. The ball bounced madly off one tree then another and then miraculously popped out high in the air back toward the fairway.
Instead of landing safely in the fairway, however, the ball landed square on the back of a dove
flying by. The dove carried the ball toward the green, 400 yards away. Unfortunately, the ball slipped off the dove's back into the water hazard just short of the green. No sooner had the ball plopped into the
water when a giant water spout arose and lifted the ball up into the air, onto the green and into the cup for an ace.
The devil shook his head disgustedly and asked, "Do you want to play golf or do you want to screw
around?"
Contributed by Hugh DeMann (aka Kenneth Darrow) of Seattle, Washington
*****
I once played a course that was so tough, I lost two balls in the ball washer!!
Contributed by Philip Demaree
*****
A golfer was hitting a ball from the first hole in front of the club house. The ball was sitting about 2 feet in front of the tee markers. The golfer approached the ball with his wood, set up silently, and was ready to swing when, over the loudspeaker, the voice of the pro from the clubhouse
said," Would the gentleman on the first tee please tee his ball behind the tee markers for his first shot."
The voice broke the man's concentration, and he backed away, came up to the ball again, set up, and was again ready to hit. The voice over the loudspeaker repeated, "Would the gentleman on the first tee PLEASE tee up his ball behind the tee markers for his first shot." The golfer backed away, strolled up to the starter and said, "Would you please tell the gentleman in the club house that the gentleman on the first tee is hitting his second shot?"
Contributed by Robert Squaglia
*****
Q: Why does a golfer bring an extra pair of socks to the course with him?
A: Just in case he gets a hole in one.
Contributed by Joe Goldberg of Bellevue, WA
*****
A police officer retired, and soon after spent every single day playing golf, which greatly irritated his wife, who was not a golfer. Every day he'd come home at 4 or 5 o'clock after playing a round at his club.
This went on for months. One day after his customary round, he came home at 8 o'clock, since he stayed to play poker at the club. His wife let him have it as soon as he came in the door, screaming at him, saying that retirement was for the both of them, and that she was not going to put up with it anymore.
Angered, he took out his 4 iron out of his bag, and hit her over the head with it. Rage set in and he kept hitting her, till she was dead.
Remorseful, he called his Detective colleague and tells him to come over as he killed his wife. The detective, who he used to play golf with when he was on the force, asked him what happened. The detective very carefully wrote in his detective notebook everything that was said. The suspect told him of his wife's complaining, and how he finally snapped. The detective very carefully wrote in his detective notebook. He told the detective how he finally went over the edge and killed her, as he couldn't take it anymore.
"What club did you use?" the Detective asked. "A 4-iron", The detective very carefully wrote in his detective notebook.. "and how many times did you hit her?" asked the Detective. "oh, I dunno, lets see, (counting to himself) 3,4, 5, 6 times?"
"I'll give you a 5" says the Detective.
Contributed by Tom Mullen
*****
Bill and Fred were enjoying a round of golf one Saturday morning. About the fifth hole Fred suddenly had a heart attack and died. Later that day in the club house Bill was speaking with some friends and he told them that Fred had died on the course.
"Oh, that must have been terrible," they said.
"Yes, it was," said Bill. "All day long it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred..."
Contributed by Tom Smidutz. of Southern NH
*****
A fellow arrived at the course one day, and decided to spend a few minutes on the practice green. As he putted around, he noticed another golfer putting a ball that somehow looked a little different, but he couldn't put his finger on what the difference was. Being curious, he asked the other golfer about the ball.
"Oh," he said, "it really IS a different ball. You know, if you hit it into the rough, it begins to beep, and you can just follow the sound right to it. If you happen to be playing near dusk, it lights up and you can see it from a good distance. And if you happen to hit it into a pond, it floats to the surface, a little propeller comes out of the side and it glides right over to the edge of the pond. Amazing, isn't it?"
The first golfer replied, "It sure is...where can I get me one of those?"
The second golfer said, "Gee...I haven't the foggiest notion...you see, I found this one..."
Contributed by Tom Martin of Brockport, NY
*****
Two friends were playing golf one day. They decided that they would adhere strictly to the rules, i.e., no improving their lie. After a few holes, one guy's ball landed on a cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief his friend said, "We agreed that we would not improve our lie." No matter how much the first fellow tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, the second fellow would not allow it.
So the man went to the cart to get a club. As he stood over the ball he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement, taking out big chunks of blacktop and sending out lots of sparks! Finally, after several practice swings he took his shot. The ball took off and landed on the green about 6 feet from the pin.
"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?" The man answered, "I used YOUR 7-iron!!!!!"
Contributed by Lorraine Corbett, Aberdeen, N.C.
*****
Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day. They arrived at a tough, 215 yard par three, all over water. Jesus had the honor and stepped up to the tee with a 4 iron. Moses tried to convince him that it wasn't the right club, "That's not enough club; you need at least a 4 wood." Jesus responded, "No, I saw Arnold Palmer play this hole the other day and he put a 4 iron five feet from the pin and sank the putt for a birdie." Moses said, "I'm telling you, that's not enough club!"
Jesus hit the ball into the water. He parted the water, walked out and got the ball, smoothed out the water and teed up again. Moses said, "I told you that was not enough club; you need at least a 4 wood." Jesus said, "This will be fine -- remember what I said about Arnold Palmer." Jesus hit the ball into the water one more time. As Moses looked on in disgust, Jesus got his ball and teed it up for yet another try.
About that time the next foursome was approaching the tee and one of the golfers in the new foursome said, "What's he doing hitting a 4 iron on this hole? He needs at least a 4 wood. Who does he think he is, JESUS CHRIST?" "No," replied Moses, "He thinks he's Arnold Palmer!"
Contributed by Kevin Corbett, Danbury, CT.
*****
A funeral procession was driving by the golf course as a group was putting on the 18th green. Upon seeing the hearse, one of the players stopped and put his hat over his heart as the procession passed. "That was really a very nice gesture," one of his buddies said. "Hey, it's the least I could do. Sunday would have been our 35th wedding anniversary!"
Contributed by Kevin Corbett, Danbury, Ct.
*****
A man and his wife were playing golf with another couple at their club. They came to a par 4, dogleg left. The man pulled his drive to the left and left it behind a storage barn. His friend said, "If you open the front door and the back door of the barn, you'll have a clear shot to the green." So they opened the doors and the man took his shot. It rattled through the rafters of the barn, shot out through a window, hit his wife on the head and killed her!
It was ten years before the man could get the courage to play the course again. Sure enough, he got to the same hole, pulled his drive again and ended up behind the same storage barn. The man he was playing with this time said, "If you open the front door and the back door of the barn, you'll have a clear shot to the green." The man said, "I don't think so. The last time I tried that, something terrible happened." "What was that?" asked his friend. The man replied, "I got a seven!"
Contributed by Bill Wickham, Walpole, Mass.
*****
There was a golf course that specialized in senior citizen caddies. After completing a round, the starter asked one golfer, "So, how did the caddie work out?" The man replied, "He was nice enough, but he couldn't see far enough to follow the ball." "I'm sorry," said the starter, "Come back next week and I'll be sure you get a caddie that can see far enough."
The next week the man showed up and the starter introduced him to his 80 year old caddie. "Are you sure he can see?" asked the man. "Absolutely," said the starter. So off they went to the first tee. The man hit his drive and said to the caddie, "Did you see that?" "I sure did," came the reply. They walked together down the fairway and the man said to the caddie, "Well, where did my ball go?" The caddie replied, "I forget!"
Contributed by Kevin Corbett, Danbury, CT.
*****
What's the difference between a golfer and a sky diver?
The golfer says, "Whapp! Oh, Shit!" And the sky diver says, "Oh, Shit. Whapp!"
Anon
*****
There was a twosome of men following closely behind a twosome of women who were playing pretty slowly. The first fellow said, "Go up there and ask if we can play through!" So up went the second man. He got almost to where the women were and he hurried back without saying a word to them. "I can't go up there. One of them is my wife and the other is my mistress! You go ask." "Okay," said the first man, and he started walking up to the women himself. He got almost to where they were and he came running back without speaking to them. "Me too!!!" he said.
Contributed by Kevin Corbett, Danbury, CT.
*****
There was a threesome of men warming up on the first tee at Pebble Beach, when a very pretty young woman came up and asked if she could join them in their round. They asked what her handicap was and she told them it was a 4. They said they'd be happy to have her join the group and she told them how she had always wanted to play Pebble Beach and what a very special day this was for her.
When the round began it quickly became clear that she was quite a good golfer. She hit the ball beautifully and she showed exceptional skill in all aspects of the game. Throughout the round she told the other members of the group that it had been her life-long dream to play Pebble Beach and to have a great round. She certainly was doing that, as after 17 holes she was at even par for the day.
She teed off and hit a terrific drive right down the middle of the fairway. Her second shot landed on the green about four and a half feet from the pin -- but it was a very difficult, side-hill lie.
She studied her putt for a few moments, then she walked over to where the men were observing. "You know," she said, "this is a very special day for me. I've always wanted to have a great round at Pebble Beach and now I have the chance to birdie the course. This really means a lot to me, and if any of you can tell me the best way to sink this putt, there's thirty minutes of the best sex you've ever had in your life in it for you!"
Well, the first man ran over and said, "You know, I had this exact putt about two weeks ago and I can tell you that the best way to putt it is to hit it hard about 5 inches above the cup." The second man pushed him out of the way and said, "No way! I've had this putt many times and I know that the best thing to do is to hit it soft about 10 inches high of the cup." The third man walked up and said, "Don't listen to either of them." He then picked up her ball and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme!"
Contributed by Sam Sloan, Portland, Or.