*****
A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf and about to tee off on the third hole which was lined by beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large picture window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and
shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what had happened.
When they peeked inside the home, they could find no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife said, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.
The wife said, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why yes, I am. In fact, I am so grateful, I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the genie replied.
The husband and wife agreed on 2 wishes...one was a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years and, after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed and after the genie and wife finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"
She replied, "3 years."
The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"
To which she responded, "31 years old."
The genie then asked, "How long has he believed in this genie stuff?"
Contributed by, Nathan Jacobson
*****
So there's this guy who golfs with his buddies every weekend, and his wife keeps bugging him to take her along and teach her to play. He finally relents, and the following Sunday finds them on the first tee.
She's never played, so he tells her to go down to the ladies tees, watch him drive, and then try to do like he did. She goes down to the reds, the guy hooks his drive, and the ball hits his wife, killing her.
The police come to investigate, and the coroner says, "It's the damnest thing I ever saw. There's an imprint on her temple, and you can read "Titlist 1."
"That was my ball," the guy said.
"What I don't understand," the coroner continued, "is the one on her hip that says "Titleist 3."
"Oh," the guy replied, "that was my mulligan."
Contributed by, Rich Fink
*****
My friend, Don Fisher, when asked about his game replied, "It's a lot like masterbation. I derive a great deal of pleasure from it, but it's disgusting to watch."
contributed by, Richard & Kathryn Trice
*****
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning in pain.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said from the ground, "and this is going to cost you $5,000."
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell, 'fore'."
"I'll take it!", said the attorney.
*****
An avid golfer dies and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets him and tells him that he has a tee time at Heaven's replica course of Pebble Beach and that some of his old golfing friends are already at the tee waiting for him. Furthermore, he has a starting time the next morning at the replica of St. Andrews and that he can check in after that for his future starting times.
He joins his old friends and has a fine day at Pebble. His golf is not perfect (that would be Hell) but he is striking the ball well, has back his old vigor, and is ready to go the next morning at St. Andrews.
When he checks in the next day, St Peter inquires about his game and asks him if there is anything else that can be done to make his stay more enjoyable.
"Well, St. Peter" says the golfer, "This is fantastic. If it hadn't been for all that Oat Bran my wife had been feeding me, I could have been here 7 years ago."
contributed by Craig and Diane Allen
*****
HIS DAY IN COURT
"Okay, young man, let me hear your story again, from the beginning," the judge said peering over his reading glasses. "You see, your honor," the young man began, "I was playing golf. I was about 140 yards out from the green when a frog whispered from the rough, 'Use an 8-iron.' I thought I'd try what the frog said and used an 8-iron. I hit the ball onto the green and it rolled into the cup for an eagle.
Then the frog said, 'Take me to Vegas.'
"What?" I said.
'You heard me,' repeated the frog, 'take me to Vegas. I'm obviously a lucky frog and we'll make a bundle!' So we flew to Vegas. In the casino, the frog whispered to me, 'Go to the dice table and bet everything on the pass line.' I did as the frog said and we ended the evening over $100,000 ahead. I then took the frog upstairs to my room and the frog said to me, 'Kiss me.' I figured what the hell and I kissed the frog. When I did, it turned into the most beautiful girl you've ever seen - deep brown eyes, blond hair, beautiful smile and a terrific body.
"And I swear, your honor, that's how I came to be in the room with that 16 year old girl."
contributed by, Jerry J. Smith, Seattle, WA
*****
ANOTHER FROG STORY
The golfer hit his drive into the adjacent water hazard on the first hole. He walked over to look for his ball and saw it about six feet out from the shore in shallow water. He took his ball retriever from his bag, extended it and reached out into the water and got his ball. As he was drying it off, he heard a voice speak to him.
"Hey, mister," the voice said.
He looked around and saw no one. He started back to drop his ball along the ball's line of flight as it went into the hazard.
"Hey, mister," the voice said again.
He looked down amongst the weeds and grass growing by the water and saw a frog. This time he was looking at the frog when it said, "Hey, mister."
"Yeah? What do you want, frog?" he asked.
"Mister, I'm really a beautiful princess but a wicked witch has put a spell on me and turned me into an ugly frog. If you will pick me up and kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess. Then you can take me home and we'll make wild passionate love for hours," the frog said.
The man reached down, picked the frog up and put it in his windbreaker pocket. He walked a few yards back down the fairway and dropped his ball preparing for his third shot.
"Hey, mister," the frog called, "aren't you going to kiss me?"
The man took a couple of practice swings with his three-wood and then hit the ball onto the par four green. Walking on towards the green, he said, "No, I'm not going to kiss you. At my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
contributed by, Jerry J. Smith, Seattle, WA
*****
A man was playing 18 holes by himself. On the 15th tee he hooked his ball into some buttercups along the left of the fairway. Being an honorable man, he penalized himself one stroke and moved his ball out of the pretty flowers.
Then a fairy appeared. She said "Thank you for moving your ball out of the earth's beautiful buttercups, you will now be blessed with an unlimited supply of butter for the rest of your life!"
"Well, thanks," the man replied, "but where were you yesterday when I hit my ball into the pussywillows?"
*****
What is the similarity between four-putting and masturbation?
You are slightly ashamed of what you have done and worst of all you know it will happen again!
Contributed by, lazyjw