*****
Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a
$100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much
better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."
The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.
And off they went.
Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed
to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.
"What happened?" asked one of the members.
"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I
brought the club down, that jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my
crotch and yelled 'Gotcha!'
"Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second
'gotcha'?"
contributed by, Paul R. Campbell, Harrisonburg, VA
*****
Two long time golfers were standing overlooking the river getting ready
to hit their shots. One golfer looked to the other and said, "Look at those
idiots fishin' in the rain."
*****
A man playing as a single at Pebble Beach was teamed with a twosome.
After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a
beautiful course by himself.
He replied that he and his wife had played the course every year for
over 20 years, but this year she had passed away. He kept the tee time in
her memory.
The twosome commented that this was very thoughtful, indeed, but
certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot.
"I thought so too," he replied, "but they all wanted to go to the funeral."
*****
Why are golf and sex so similar?
They are the two things you can thoroughly enjoy even though you
are really bad at them.
*****
Do you know why the game is called golf?
Because all the other four letter words were taken.
contributed by, Mark Schweikle
*****
Two golfers just came back to the club house for a drink. They overheard two Irish men talking,"I used to live in Dublin too," said one.
"I moved here when I was 10 too," said the other.
"My last name is O'Leary too."
The two golfers that had heard asked a man walking by, "Who are these
guys?"
The man said, "Oh! That's the O'Leary twins, there just drunk,"
contributed by, Eric Propst
*****
Two young friends learned golf in high school and played a lot together.
After high school they got jobs and proceeded to bet with each other. They were pretty equally matched so first one would win and then the other would win. As a matter of fact, at the end of the year neither was financially ahead of the other. As life went on they made more money at their jobs and increased the size of their bets. Still one would win and then the other would win. As usual, at the end of the year, neither was financially ahead of the other.
They became really aged and decided to hang up the clubs but would play one last game for $10,000 as each was independently wealthy. On 18th tee the game was tied up. One hit a beautiful drive down the middle and the other sliced into the woods. They looked for the ball for 15 or 20 minutes and the fellow on the fairway said, "I'm going to hit up!" "Okay," said the other, "but I'll keep on looking."
The fellow in the fairway hit one of the best shots of his life and the ball rolled to within 6 inches of the cup. As he approached the green and got his putter from his caddie, the fellow in the woods shouted, "I found it!"
"Hit it then," said the fellow on the green!"
The guy in the woods hacked at the ball. It bounded off a branch, flew the trap, hit on the apron, rolled onto the green and into the cup. At which the fellow on the green said to his caddie, "What do I do now? I've got his first ball in my pocket!"
contributed by, Don Krahel
*****
One Sunday morning, a Priest looks out his window at a beautiful, sunny day. Although he knows that it's his responsibility to say Mass in an hour, he calls in his second, complaining of illness. He then sneaks out the back door with his golf clubs.
Up in heaven, Saint Peter and God are watching. St. Peter says to God "You can't let that go
unpunished! That Priest is giving in to temptation and not living up to his vows."
God agrees, but as St. Peter watches, the Priest is having the round of his life. In fact, on the par 3 17th hole, the Priest hits a beautiful shot and the ball rolls into the hole, for his first ever hole-in-one.
St. Peter is very upset and says to God, "Do something! He's having the round of his life!"
God calmly turned to St. Peter, smiled, and said "Yes, but who's he going to tell?"
contributed by Paul and Paula
*****
Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he
played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed
to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of
expletives.
The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a
calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language."
"I guess not, said Fred, "what the hell do they have to cuss about?"
*****
A fellow goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, everytime I swing my
7 iron I pass this outrageous gas."
He swings the iron in the doctor's office and breaks a loud sound of
wind. He swings the 8 iron and nothing, he swings the 6 and nothing. He
swings the 7 again the same loud sound is heard, followed by a very foul
smell. The docotr says,"H'm, interesting case," and gets up and grabs a
long pole laying against the wall.
"What are you going to do with that," the fellow nervously asks, fearing
the worst.
"I'm going to open the window and let some air into this room," the
Doc replies.
*****
For most of the round the golfer had argued with his caddy about club
selection, but the caddy always prevailed. Finally on the seventeenth hole,
a 185-yard par three into the wind, the caddy handed the golfer a four-wood
and the golfer balked.
"I think it's a three-iron," said the golfer.
"No, sir it's a four-wood," said the caddy.
"Nope, it's definitely a three-iron."
So the golfer set up, took the three-iron back slowly, and struck the
ball perfectly. It tore through the wind, hit softly on the front of the
green, and rolled up two feet short of the pin.
"See," said the caddy. "I told you it wasn't enough club."
*****
My wife inquired as to why I don't play golf with Dean anymore. I asked her "Would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls that other groups are always playing through, who tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt and generally offends everyone around him on the course?"
"Certainly not, dear" she replied.
"Well, neither would he."
submitted by Richard Lee
*****
At a Golf Course, the four men approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway runs along a road and bike path fenced off on the left. The first golfer teed off and hooked the ball in that direction.
The ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back on to the fairway.
As they all stood in amazement, one man asked him, "How on earth did you do that?"
Without hesitation, he said, "You have to know the bus schedule."
*****
This Fellow's wife constantly berated him, to teach her to play golf. Finally, one morning he relented. Off they go.
First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty.
Husband steps up first and says "Now watch me, and do the same thing."
A nice shot, lands on the green with about 30 feet to the cup.
Wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and bounces it off a rock, clips a tree, sideswipes the second rock and rolls up onto the green and sinks it.
Husband looks at this, and says, "OK, now you know how to play, let's go home."
*****
A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through a number of appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately.
"There" he said to the husband, "That's what she needs every Monday, Wednesday,
Saturday and Sunday".
"Well," replied the husband, "I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but
Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days."
*****
A fourball watches a lone player play up short of the green they are on. As they tee off at the next hole they watch the lone player quickly chip on and putt out.
He almost runs to the tee where the four ball is.
He looks at the bewildered players and says "I say chaps could I play through, I've just heard the wife has had a terrible accident".
Submitted by Ross Thompson
*****
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
*****
A golfer playing in a two-ball foursome drove his tee shot to the edge of the green on a par three hole. His partner, playing the second shot, managed to chip it over the green into a bunker.
Undaunted, the first golfer recovers with a fine shot to within one foot of the hole. The second golfer nervously putts, and sends the ball one foot past the hole, leaving the first golfer to putt the ball in.
"Do you realize that we took five strokes on an easy par three?" says the first golfer.
"Yes, and don't forget who took three of them!" answered his partner!!!
*****
Dame Fortune was seldom kind to Samuel Littleman. Although Sam had a real zest for life he was constantly beset by bad luck. He loved poker but poker did not love Sam; he played the stock
market with great anticipation but always seemed to be the one who bought high and sold low. His life seemed to be full of more downs than ups.
His greatest delight was his golf game. Not that Sam was a great golfer; in fact, he never managed to break 100, but the odd shot that somehow ended up in the general area he had in mind was enough to keep his hopes alive. Finally Sam became ill and passed away. But just before he died, he asked that his remains be cremated and his ashes be scattered just off the fairway on the ninth hole of his home course.
Accordingly, a gathering assembled to carry out Sam's wishes. It was a bright sunny day and was going well. Then, as the ashes were being strewn .... a gust of wind came up and ... blew Sam out of
bounds.
*****
Two Scotsmen, Sandy and Angus, are playing golf one day and come upon a water hole. Sandy hits and sends one into the middle of the pond. He reaches into his bag and finds that he has no balls remaining. He asks Angus for a ball and promptly hits that one into the pond as well.
This goes on 3 or 4 more times and when he asks Angus for a 6th ball, Angus says, " Sandy these balls cost me a lot of money, " to which Sandy replies, "Angus lad, if you can't afford to play
the game, you should not be out here ".
*****
One mid-afternoon on a sunny day, a golfer teed up his ball. After a few practice swings, he steps up to his ball and gets ready to drive the first hole. Just before he swings, a woman in a wedding gown
comes running up from the parking lot.
She's got tears streaming down her face. Just as she reaches the raised tee, she screams out, "You bastard! I can't believe it! How could you do that?"
The golfer calmly takes a swing and drives the ball straight down the fairway. He looks at the woman, as he puts his driver back in his bag and says, "Hey...I said only if it's raining"
*****
A marine drill sergeant fancied a round of golf one day, and headed out to his favorite links. Waiting on the first tee, he noticed an air force commander, also waiting on the first tee and also alone. Both
being in the armed forces, they decided to play together.
It wasn't long before they were talking about work. They shared boot camp stories, war memories, and jokes about new recruits. It went this way until about the third hole, when the marine sergeant was finishing a story about a run-a-way tank and said, "And you know that the marines are the bravest men in the armed forces."
The air force commander dropped his putter, "Just what do you mean by that?" he challenged. "Well," the sergeant went on, "who do you send to take new territory? Who do you send in when you're out numbered? Who gets the call for the most covert operations?"
The air force commander putted out, and angrily he said, "Well, while you are hiding in the bushes, who is a clear target in the sky? Who do you call for support when you're losing? And who is always
sent in during a losing battle? Sir, the men of the air force are the bravest men." This argument lasted for the rest of the round. Both men swearing their men were the bravest, and each had stories to tell to back up their claims.
After finishing, they headed to the club house for a beer, still debating the matter. Finally, the marine sergeant stood and said, "I've got to head back to camp. Play again next week?"
To this, the air force commander said, "Well, I must apologize, it seems I was mistaken. Anyone who played like you did today, and is willing to come back to the same golf course is a much
braver man than myself!"