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My golfing buddy once told me that he took a 12 on a par 3. I asked him, "How in the world did you manage a 12 on a par 3?" To which he replied, "I sank a 30 foot putt."
Contributed by, Dan Rodriguez
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Golf is great, why just yesterday I was only 2 strokes away from a hole-in-one..... Dum De Dum Dum.
Contributed by, John Steen
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A True Story
Several years ago my wife & I were putting on a golf class called "Golf For Novices." It was for novice or beginner golfers to teach them the very basics of the game. It included such things as the grip, stance and the swing. We also covered things like etiquette and what to expect when you make your first trip to a golf course. We mentioned that at our course there are two colored tees. The men play the blue tees and the women play the red tees.
A few weeks later Bill arrived home fairly late one evening from his golf game. He was living with Mary who happened to have been one of our enthusiastic, but not too bright, students. She was somewhat agitated that he arrived home late but it wasn't until he emptied his pockets onto his dresser that she went ballistic.
She flew into an intense rage and demanded to know who the woman was that he had been golfing with. He hadn't a clue what her problem was & said he'd been playing with his pals Brad, Jim & Elmer. She continued her tirade and said "Don't you lie to me. I know you were with some woman." Finally he asked her to explain where she was coming from. She replied "I know you were with some woman
because I took that beginners golfer course. They told me women play red tees and you just put some red tees on your dresser!"
Contributed by, Warren Best
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A man playing as a single at Pebble Beach was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself. He replied that he & his wife had played the course every year - for over 20 years - but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory.
The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot.
"So did I," he said "but they all wanted to go to her funeral"
*****
One day two software engineers were out playing a round of golf. They come to a par 3 with a blind tee shot. Both tee off and watch their ball sail toward the flag. When they get to the green, one of the balls is perched on the lip of the cup and other is in. As it turns out, both were playing Titleists #3s.
A heated argument ensued and they finally decided to let the club pro sort the mess out. The pro walked to the hole with them and looked at the ball on the green and then the ball in the hole. He turned to the two engineers in disgust and asked, "Okay. Which of you is playing the white ball and which is playing the orange ball?"
*****
A golfer returning to the club house after the worst round of golf of his life, requested that his caddie give him his ball. Upon receiving the ball, he threw it into the lake. The golfer then requested the caddie give him his clubs. The caddie asked what he was planning on doing with the clubs and the golfer replied
he was throwing them in the lake, which he did.
The golfer then start walking toward the lake and the caddie asked what he intended. The golfer said he was going to drown himself, to which the caddie replied, "You can't do that, you can't keep your head down long enough!"
*****
What's the difference between golfing in New York and golfing in Canada?
In New York they say, "Eeehhh, get off the green!"
In Canada they say, "Get off the green, eeehhh."
An ardent golfer dies and finds himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells the man he has lived an exemplary life and that he can go right in. The man asks, "St. Peter, where is the golf course?"
"I'm terribly sorry," replies St. Peter, "but that's one thing we don't have here."
The man turns and decides that he will see if the situation is any better in hell.
On the road to hell, he is greeted by the devil who has already heard of the golfer's rejection of heaven.
"This way, sir," says the devil, "the finest tournament-quality 18 holes you are likely to find this side of Augusta, Georgia."
The golfer looks around and agrees that it is the finest course he has ever seen and decides he'd rather spend eternity there than in heaven, so he signs up for the full package.
"So," he says to the devil, "why don't you go get me some clubs and balls and I'll have the game of my after-life."
"I'm sorry, sir, we don't have any."
"What?" says the man. "No balls or clubs for a fine course like this?"
"No, sir," says the devil fiendishly, "that's the hell of it."
*****
"You think so much of your old golf game that you don't even remember when we were married," said the pouting wife.
"Of course I do, my dear -- it was the day I sank that thirty-foot putt."
*****
During a Pro Am, Arnold Palmer's partner asked, "Well Arnold, what do you think of my game?"
"It's OK," said Arnie, "but I prefer golf!"
*****
Which is the easiest golf stroke?
The fourth putt!
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One Sunday, St. Peter and God were up in heaven having coffee and bagels and just shooting the breeze, when St. Peter saw a priest down on one of Earth's golf courses. He told God about this blasphemy, and God told St. Peter that the priest would be duly punished.
With St. Peter looking over his shoulder, God caught the priest's drive at the 10th hole and dropped it straight into the hole.
"That wasn't much of a punishment," said St. Peter. "He just made a hole-in-one!"
God laughed. "Yeah, but who's he gonna tell?"
*****
A golfer ran into an old buddy at the driving range one day. They talked about their games, their swings, and all manner of things.
Eventually, one of them said, "How's the family?"
The other replied, "Oh, pretty good. I got a new set of clubs for the wife the other day!"
"Hey, good trade!" replied the former good buddy!
*****
"Noticed any improvements in my game, caddie?"
"Shined your clubs?"
*****
Three very religious rabbis in black with long beards were playing golf. A guy named Mulhaney wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in which he could play. So he joins the rabbis and plays 18 holes. At the end of the game his score is 104. The rabbis shot 69, 70 and 71.
He says to them, "How come you all play such good golf?"
The lead rabbi said, "When you live a religious life, join and attend temple, you are rewarded."
Mulhaney loves golf and figures, what do I have to lose. So he finds a temple close to his home, attends twice a week, converts, joins and lives a holy life.
About a year later he again plays golf with the three rabbis. He shoots a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70, 71.
He says to them, "Okay, I joined a temple, live a religious life and I'm still shooting lousy.
The lead rabbi said to him, "What temple did you join?"
He said, "Beth Shalom".
The rabbi retorted, "Schmuck! That one's for tennis!"
*****
Moses, Jesus, and an old, bearded man were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap.
Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water.
Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.
The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the
fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly.
Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
*****
The Golfing Nuns...
A man wants to play golf, but shows up at the golf course by himself. The starter groups him with 3 ladies, currently on the first hole. Upon walking up to the tee, the man sees the three ladies are nuns. He thinks to himself, "I gotta watch my p's and q's!"
Everyone introduces everyone else on the first tee and one of the nuns says to the man, "Go ahead sir! You're up."
The man takes a deep breath and proceeds to the tee off. The ball goes down the fairway, hits a rock, and bounces directly to the right into the sand bunker. The man says, "Jesus Christ! Did you see that?!" forgetting his audience.
He is instantly embarrassed when he comes to his senses and one of the nuns says, "We don't talk that way in the presence of the Lord. Watch your language, sir. Now step aside, it's my turn."
The nun winds up and swings as absolutely hard as she can. The ball slices almost instantly, hits a tree dead center, and bounces out of bounds across the parking lot. The nun bends over, gets her tee, and mutters "Goddammit!!" as she walks by the man.
The man, rather amused and astonished, says "Why sister, you just said..."
The nun interrupts and finishes, "Yeah, I know what I just said. But then again you didn't just hit a goddamm tree, did you?"
*****
Nicklaus vs. Wonder
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder says: "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10 so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how's the golf."
Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I am still making a bit of money. I have had some problems with my swing but I think I have got that right now."
Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right."
Jack Nicklaus says: "You play golf!"
Stevie Wonder says: "Yes, I have been playing for years."
And Nicklaus says: "But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?"
He replies: "I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me, I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But how do you putt", says Nicklaus.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Nicklaus says: "What is your handicap."
Stevie says "Well I play to scratch."
Nicklaus is incredulous and he says to Stevie Wonder: "We must play a game sometime."
Wonder replies: "Well people don't take me seriously so I only ever play for money, and actually I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."
Nicklaus thinks about it and says "O.K. I am game for that, when would you like to play."
Stevie Wonder turns around and says "Well, just about any night suits me."
*****
A golfer had made an awful shot and tore up a large piece of turf. He picked it up and looking about said, "What shall I do with this ?"
"If I were you," said the caddie, "I'd take it home to practice on."
*****
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs.
Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right ?"
*****
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometime.
*****
Two women are playing golf when one of them asks the other, "Do you and your husband have mutual climax?"
The other woman replies, "No, I think we have State Farm."
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One day a man went golfing. On the fourth tee he was separated from his friends momentarily, and bumped into a passing demon.
"Hey," said the demon, "how'd you like to make this one a hole in one?"
"What's the catch?" said the man suspiciously.
"It shortens your sex life by five years," replied the demon.
"Hmmm . . . okay," said the man, and went on to make a spectacular shot, a hole in one, just as ordered.
On the next tee, he again bumped into the demon. "How'd you like to make it two holes-in-one simultaneously?" said the demon. "It's only been done five times in the history of golf."
"What's the pay back this time?" said the man.
"Shortens your sex life by another twenty years." said the demon.
"I guess," agreed the man, and again made an amazing shot. All his friends were amazed and people were coming from miles around to see him play . . . two holes-in-one in the same game!
On the next hole, the man again bumped into the demon, who proposed yet again.
"Look, another hole-in-one would mean three in a row. It's never been done in the history of the world! C'mon!"
"No problem," said the man, agreeing. "What do I gotta give up this time?"
"You may never touch a person of the opposite sex ever again for the rest of your life." said the demon.
"Okay!" said the man, and again hit a hole-in-one.
And that's how Father Hoolihan got into the Guinness Book of Records!
*****
Question:
Why is golf called "golf"?
Answer:
Because all the other four letter words were taken.
*****
Two guys at a convention get totally drunk the night before a big golf match. During the match the two half-bombed characters manage to stay even with their opponents through seventeen holes. On the eighteenth, by some miracle, they are in a position to win the match if one of them can sink his seven foot putt.
The man sets up to putt with his feet wide apart. He draws his putter back. Just then a big black dog, chasing a squirrel, comes running across the green, the dog goes right between the guy's legs, and out the other side and runs off the green. The guy never flinches but strokes the ball into the hole for the win!
His partner goes wild shouting "I have never seen such total concentration. How you managed to drop that putt with that dog running between your legs ..."
"Oh", says his partner, "Was that a REAL DOG!!!!"
*****
The golfer called one of the caddies and said, "I want a caddie who can count and keep the score. What's 3 and 4 and 5 add up to?"
"11 sir," said the caddie.
"Good, you'll do perfectly."
*****
The man that invented golf and said it was "fun" is the same guy that invented bagpipes and said it was "music."
*****
Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, the confident golfer said to his caddie,
"Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me." The caddie handed him the four-wood, which he topped and sent the ball about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.
Immediately the caddie handed him his putter and said, "And now for one hell of a putt."