*****
At the Club's annual boardmeeting, the President was just about to finish, when one of the members stops him: "There is one more item to discuss -- the exclusion of Mr. Petersen."
"Why?" asked the President
"Last week he jumped our new secretary in the bunker at hole 9," the President was informed.
"Soo, we all would like to do that, it is not a reason for exclusion!!"
"Yes, but he did not rake the bunker afterwards!!"
contributed by Ulf Larson
*****
An American tourist was playing golf at Waterville, Co. Kerry in Ireland when he came to a hole with a fast flowing river running down the side of the fairway. A young boy was sitting at the bank of the river and as the tourist hooked his drive and hit the boy who fell into the river. By the time the worried golfer arrived at the river bank, the boy was sinking into the deep water for the third time and was looking poorly.
The tourist immediately jumped into the river and after a real struggle managed to bring the boy to dry land where he quickly revived him. He then brought the boy back to the clubhouse where he arranged for a taxi to take the boy home.
About an hour later a man arrived at the clubhouse and asked the Pro, "Could you tell me where the man is who saved my son?"
The Pro replied "He's over in the hotel - check with the receptionist."
The man then went to the hotel and asked the receptionist, "Could you tell me where the man is who saved my son?"
"Yes, I'll call his room and ask him to come down," was the reply.
A few minutes later the American tourist came down. The man asked him, "Are you the man who saved my son?"
"Yes, I sure am," was the reply.
"Well, would you have his cap?"
contributed by Charles O'Neill
*****
Said to a few of my friends that are patient enough for me to play a round with them.
"I hit two of my best balls yesterday!"
"oh yeah?"
"yeah, I stepped on a rake in the bunker."
contributed by J McNuts
*****
Golfer: Would you mind wading into the pond and retrieving my ball?
Caddie: Why?
Golfer: It's my lucky ball.
*****
Manager: I'm sorry. Sir, we have no time open on the course today.
Golfer: Wait a minute, what if Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus showed up? I'm sure you'd find a starting time for them.
Manager: Of course we would, sir.
Golfer: Well, I happen to know they're not coming, so we'll take their time.
*****
A golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro asks him what he wants.
"I can't find any green golf balls," the golfer replies.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
As the golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks him, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"
He replies, "Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"
submitted by Jason McGovern (Joker)
*****
Joe and his priest are playing in a golf match. Joe's game is perfect that day, and he is giving the priest a thorough drubbing. The priest can only sigh as he fills in the scorecard from the last hole.
Sensing his pastor's unhappiness, Joe says to him, "Cheer up Father--just think, one of these days you will be giving the services at my funeral."
The Priest looked at him and made a poor attempt at a grin while saying, "Yes, that may be true, but it will still be your hole."
Submitted by William Thomason
*****
Sam and Harry are playing one day. On the first hole, Sam hits a wicked slice into the adjoining fairway. The ball hits another player right between the eyes and he drops to the ground.
Sam and Harry rush over to the prostrate man and find him unconscious with the ball laying on the ground between his legs.
Sam screams, "Oh my God, what should I do?"
Harry replies; "Don't move him. If you leave him there he becomes an immovable obstruction and, according to the rules, you are allowed a drop two club-lengths away."
*****
A man was invited to play at his friend's course and during the round he felt the call of nature, was far away from the toilets and so he went behind a tree believing that he was unobserved.
However, on a parallel fairway, three lady members were playing. As they passed they were surprised to observe just a very private part of a man's anatomy protruding from around the tree.
"He's certainly not my husband, I can tell you that," said the first lady.
"Disgusting! I'm glad he's not mine either, " said the second lady.
"It really is an outrage," said the third. "He's not even a club member!"