These days there are golf schools popping up all over the place. Make sure that the school you choose is right for you. Since golf is becoming one of the more popular high school sports there has been a demand for more schools that focus on improving golf skills. At these schools the clubs are your school supplies!
*****
A new executive is told by his boss that he is expected to play in the corporate golf
tournament next week. Not knowing how to play he decides he better take a lesson. The club pro
advises that they start with the putter and then progress to the short irons before tackling the
long irons and woods. The man explains that he has to start with the driver as he is expected
to play in the corporate tournament. The pro relents and tries to teach him as best he can.
On the day of the tournament the new exec steps to the first tee, a 165 yard par 3 hole.
One of his partners suggests on this hole perhaps a 4 iron might be a better choice. The exec
explains that he has only had one golf lesson and the driver is the only club he has hit. The
exec takes a mighty swing and proceeds to slice the ball right into the woods.
After a few minutes the exec finds the ball and once again pulls his driver out of the bag.
His partner suggests that he would be better off hitting a short chip back onto the fairway.
Again the new exec explains that he only knows how to hit the driver. He proceeds to take a
mighty swing, hitting the tree directly in front of him. The ball careens off the tree, striking
the exec in the middle of the forehead, knocking him dead.
Saint Peter is surprised to see the executive so soon, and asked, "How did you get here?"
"In two!" he replied.
Contributed by Gerald D. Levy
*****
How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb?
--FORE!!
Reluctanly Contributed by Pam Valentine
*****
On completing his third round at the British Open at Lytham St. Anne's in 1969, Gary Player
was approached by a spectator who told him that he was amazed at how Player could make his three
iron shots stop dead on the green, and asked him how he did it.
Player responded by asking the spectator how far he usually hit his three iron shots. The
spectator replied " Oh, about 120 to 130 yards". Player replied "What do you want them to stop
for?"
On scoring a double bogy at one of the easiest par three holes at the US Masters in Augusta. Lee Trevino was asked by a spectator why he took a 5 on that easy par three hole. Trevino relied "Because I missed my putt for a 4".
Comedian Bob Hope once said that if ever he was playing golf and it started to thunder and
lightning, that he would hold a 1 iron up into the air - in the belief that even God can't hit a
1 iron.
Ian Turner
*****
One golfer asked his friend, "Why are you so late in arriving for your tee time?"
His friend replied, "It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing
golf."
"Yes," continued the friend, "but that stills doesn't tell me why you are so late."
"Well," said the fellow, "It took over 25 tosses to get it right!"
*****
One guy told his friend, "I've invented a new game that is quite a bit like golf."
"That game is not new," said his buddy. "I've been playing it for years!"
*****
"Okay, take a swing without hitting the ball," said the golf pro as he began a lesson with
his new student.
"But THAT is exactly what I'm trying to correct," said the student.
*****
"Got any suggestions on my game, caddie?"
"Yes sir. Try laying off for thirty days."
"Then what?"
"Then quit."
*****
Seems a minister of the cloth and two of his congregation had booked a tee time and as they
prepared to tee off the club pro asked if a lone golfer, Glenn, could join them to make a
foursome.
After introductions all around they proceeded to play a fairly enjoyable round. The only
problem was the language used by Glenn whenever he played an errant shot. This embarrassed the
two laymen but nothing was said during the round.
As the three drove home the conversation came around to next Sundays activity at church. At
this point the minister suggested they should invite Glenn since afterall, "He seems to know
all the words."
Contributed by
John Grant
Roachville, NB, Canada
*****
POSTED AT LOCAL GOLF CLUB
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANY ONE
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, PLEASE LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS
9. QUIET PLEASE...... WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING TO GO
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES
11. VERY GOOD. NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF
Contributed by
John Grant
Roachville, NB, Canada
*****
An Octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club.
He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told there wasn't anybody he could play
with because they were already out on the course.
He repeated several times that he really wanted to play. Finally the Assistant Pro said he
would play with him and would give him a 12 stroke handicap. The 80 year old said, "I really
don't need a handicap as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting
out of sand traps." And he did play well.
Coming onto the 18th the old man had a long drive, but it landed in one of the sand traps
around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap he hit a very high ball which landed on the green
and rolled into the hole!
The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing. He said, "Nice
shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"
Replied the Octogenarian, "I do! Please give me a hand."
Courtesy of Dic Gribbon's Dad
*****
- Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the
fastest are those behind.
- There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return
with three enemies.
- Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
- An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once
again after swinging.
Also contributed by Dic Gribbon's Dad
*****
Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.
The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?"
The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today."
The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five"
The third old guy said, "I had 7 riders, the same as last time."
The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today."
After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I have been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of
the game, but what's a rider?"
The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it."
Submitted by Rich Pauli, Kansas City, KS
*****
Q: What's the difference between a proV1 and the G-spot?
A: A man will spend five minutes tryinig to find a pro V1.
Contributed by Dylan Wiebe
***
So there is an Englishman and a Scot playing a round together (hard to believe I know).
So the Englishman tees up his ball on the first hole and snap hooks his drive into the trees. So
of course, he tees up another ball and says he's taking a "Mulligan." Just before he swings he
asks the Scot what they call a "Mulligan" in Scotland. The Scot promptly replies, "We call it
three off the tee you cheatin bastard."
Contributed by Dylan Wiebe
*****
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers
which she ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went
like this:
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.."
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact
with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn
to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office,
so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his
watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and
went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning
my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
Contributed by Jerry Berg, Mill Creek, Washington